Saturday, November 6, 2010

Down And Out

I should have a boyfriend. There are a ridiculous amount of reasons I should have a boyfriend. Actually, there is a ridiculous number of reasons anyone should have a boyfriend. I can think of several right now, carrying heavy items, picking things up from the outside world you're too lazy to get, helping release spiders and other insects into the outside world.

Thats just Logic.

But none of these reasons are nearly as important as this:

Checking out that weird fing noise that's coming from your kitchen/basement/attic/bathroom with the pool of blood sliding under the door.

See, I am a naturally very paranoid person. Every time a cop drives by I go through some sort of inner panic that involves all of the horrible things I've done that are arrestable offenses. Nothing can persuade me from this inner panic. The fact that my largest offense in the last few years include only J-walking and angry letters to members of several political parties mean nothing. They could know things even I don't know.

I live by the rule that Just because you're paranoid does NOT mean they aren't out to get you.

I explain all of this because despite my paranoia I have another insane quirk that makes me want to investigate all of those strange noises coming from behind the pool of blood in the bathroom.

I have never claimed to be smart.

In this case, last night, while in a state of half sleep I hear a noise. No, it's not just any regular noise.


And it isn't a normal noise. It's a clicking.




It's nothing. I tell myself. It's a bug. I decide against going with logic which states that that has to be a BIG FUCKING bug to be able to make such a loud clicking noise.




It's in the kitchen. RIGHT IN THE GOD DAMNED KITCHEN. And the noise is getting louder. I shrink under the covers.


It's sounding like a possessed computer mouse trying desperately to relate it's message in morse code.

Well what can I do? I can't just sit here in bed while a potential giant bug/kitchenmonster/possessed computer mouse runs around my kitchen trying to get some message across.

So Uma plays the role of my future boyfriend who, I can only hope is already an insomniac because if not my crazy, paranoid ramblings that get him out of bed will make him one in the end anyway.
As it is, Uma doesn't want to hear it. She does that strange rollover thing we all tend to do when we're pretending not to hear something. In the end I'm forced to drag her off the bed and into the kitchen to investigate. Hopefully future boyfriend doesn't have a collar.

I do this now because I'm totally convinced that whatever is making the noise in my kitchen is some second rate SciFi movie monster that, while looking utterly ridiculous, still has red eyes sharp claws and no social conscious that says breaking into peoples houses and killing them is wrong.

Why I do this to myself is totally beyound me. All I know is that I'm convinced that having future-boyfriend or large dog with me will magically make the SciFi movie monster transform into one of my feral cats who's having a fight to the death with a hair elastic.

Without them, it just stays there looking all SciFi like and waiting to slay me.

My logic is nothing if not flawless.

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