I am a strange person. I’ll admit it. Personality wise I’m very tolerant and level headed, while also being capable of becoming a mega-bitch in several short seconds.
No matter what group of friends I seem to be in, I’m the “Go-to” person for everyone drama’s, problems and gossips. I’ve been told I’m very good at dishing out advice, and ridiculously tolerant to others woe’s.
While I’m very good at understanding what people should do, I’m not very good at understanding WHY people do the things they do.
I don’t understand why or how people can completely disregard or abandon friendships or relationships that they’ve had for years because someone new and shiny comes along. Or because they’re following someone else's lead.
This bothers me. Not because I dwell on it or it still upsets me. It happens, it’s over. Get on with it. What bothers me is not understanding something. It gets under my skin. To the point where I can be slightly obsessive.
A friend of mine asked me to learn the chords of a song last week. The chords don’t exist and there isn’t any sheet music anywhere. I’ve spent the last week playing and messing with chords until my fingers have literally bled figuring it out.
So not understanding peoples motives truly bothers me.
Recently, an ex sent me a letter concerning his horrible plight of sitting there feeling guilty about what he did to me. It was well thought out and pitying and shallow and as always, all about him. When I showed it to someone they said (and I quote) “ Wow....He managed to make an apology letter offensive!”
Basically the letter explained how not only was I a horrible person, but somehow he also thought (with atrocious arrogance) that HE is the sole reason for me 'being the way I am now'! I mean wow. That's pretty epic.
I guess this goes back to that quote “Forgiveness heals us emotionally, not those you forgive,”
But here’s the thing, he wasn’t asking for forgiveness. In all honestly, I hadn’t thought about the kid in at least six months. He never made any great impact on my life. He did hurt me, several times. But it wasn’t anything major, and while I believe he’s kind of sort of scum, he wasn’t someone I cared enough about to be angry at.
So what was the point of the letter? Well it was to let me know (in a very nice way!) that, while I may never be a good enough person to reconcile with him like I should, he made such an impact in my life that I would, never, ever be the same again.
So, what exactly was the point? What motivates someone to sit down and write something like that, especially with it being almost two years after the facts?
I often wonder why we feel the need to feel better about ourselves by looking down on others. If anyone has any sort of scientific facts about this I would love to hear them, because it’s a genuine curiosity.
I guess in the end we aren’t necessarily supposed to know. We’re supposed to look at it, say “huh, that was weird,” and get back to that song we’re all working on.
So, for those of you asking about it, I’ll chalk the whole thing up as
“Huh, that was weird,” and try to figure out this next chord.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
On the road again
I travel.
It’s what I do. I don’t settle in well, so living for the same place for the last eleven years can feel incredibly claustrophobic. Over the last year or so, I haven’t been able to go anywhere other then small day trips that never seem to last as long as I want them too.
Taking care of the family is a constant priority. One that’s made me stick in the same place for much longer then I would have liked.
Anyway, my mother is the same way. If she had it her way she’d be living out of an RV somewhere traveling every other day.
So there comes a point, be it after a poetically heartbreaking experience (yes, poetically), or just a week of monotonous work, one of us will look at the other and say
“Hey, Lets get out of here,” and so we do.
The day before a road trip is always the busiest. It’s also the day the dogs enjoy the most. Seeing as we never have much time planning our trips, we don’t run out of food stuffs. So the dogs get everything.
Today it was about seven pounds of various meats, left over mashed potato’s, an egg, and a pound of egg salad. It may sound like a waste, but we’ve found it’s much better then leaving it and taking a chance of it going bad, or taking it with us and wasting it on the road.
Teah’s our dainty little lab who thinks she’s a socialite. She’s loud and bossy and has enough attitude for four or five dogs her size. But she’s great on long trips and very much enjoys the hotel life.
Uma, my sixty pound German Shepherd, who’s trained to take down a six-foot-three body builder is always a welcome travel companion.
Packing light is essential. Although, my mother hasn’t quite gotten it down yet. I can live out of a backpack, with my laptop, DSI, various note and sketchbooks. She...can live out of a suitcase...with a briefcase for her electronics.
We usually rent a car for these excursions, simply to save wear and tear on our older Jeep. There’s also something about getting into a completely detailed fresh smelling car that adds to the overall adventure.
Then again, you can never rent an SUV at an affordable price. So we’re stuck in tiny, cramped cars. It doesn’t help that, when driving in anything smaller then an SUV I am completely convinced that death is around the corner. Have you driven in some of those cheap little rental cars? One word: Cardboard.
But we manage.
The dogs take up the entire back seat, and the trunk is left for our luggage. We make it work.
At home, before we leave I put all of our Cat food and Litter out into my front hall for whoever is going to take care of them, having given various friends keys long along for this sort of thing.
As we pack Dora, our Alpha-Kitty watches us, completely delighted that we won’t be home to stop her antics for a few days. Sometimes I think they’d all be happier if we never came home at all.
I clean as much as I can. Which isn’t much. I throw the trash out, sweep, straighten what I can. But I often joke with people when they come over.
“Come on in, excuse my mess of a life,”
It’s only a half-joke though, because more often then not my life is in some sort of shambles. Besides, with the life I live, it takes hours just to make my house presentable when guests come over. Never mind “clean”.
We throw our luggage in the trunk of the small, white rental car, and the girls hop in. Teah, dutiful as always, pushes her way into the drivers seat, it’s where she belongs.
Driving around the block, we stop at home one last time to pick up whatever we left this time. (Coats, keys, cell phones chargers) and then we’re off.
On the road I call various friends and tell them I need to get out of town for awhile and can they watch the cats?
It’s not a lie.
There are some places that you need to get out of. You get out or you self destruct.
They agree. It’s not much work anyway.
And then we’re gone. For however long that may be. Going wherever the heck we want.
This time, the plan is Virginia for various reasons. My time limit is August 10th. Because I have concert tickets that I’m insanely excited for.
So there’s thirteen days to learn, see, meet and heal.
Thank god,
I’m on the road again.
It’s what I do. I don’t settle in well, so living for the same place for the last eleven years can feel incredibly claustrophobic. Over the last year or so, I haven’t been able to go anywhere other then small day trips that never seem to last as long as I want them too.
Taking care of the family is a constant priority. One that’s made me stick in the same place for much longer then I would have liked.
Anyway, my mother is the same way. If she had it her way she’d be living out of an RV somewhere traveling every other day.
So there comes a point, be it after a poetically heartbreaking experience (yes, poetically), or just a week of monotonous work, one of us will look at the other and say
“Hey, Lets get out of here,” and so we do.
The day before a road trip is always the busiest. It’s also the day the dogs enjoy the most. Seeing as we never have much time planning our trips, we don’t run out of food stuffs. So the dogs get everything.
Today it was about seven pounds of various meats, left over mashed potato’s, an egg, and a pound of egg salad. It may sound like a waste, but we’ve found it’s much better then leaving it and taking a chance of it going bad, or taking it with us and wasting it on the road.
Teah’s our dainty little lab who thinks she’s a socialite. She’s loud and bossy and has enough attitude for four or five dogs her size. But she’s great on long trips and very much enjoys the hotel life.
Uma, my sixty pound German Shepherd, who’s trained to take down a six-foot-three body builder is always a welcome travel companion.
Packing light is essential. Although, my mother hasn’t quite gotten it down yet. I can live out of a backpack, with my laptop, DSI, various note and sketchbooks. She...can live out of a suitcase...with a briefcase for her electronics.
We usually rent a car for these excursions, simply to save wear and tear on our older Jeep. There’s also something about getting into a completely detailed fresh smelling car that adds to the overall adventure.
Then again, you can never rent an SUV at an affordable price. So we’re stuck in tiny, cramped cars. It doesn’t help that, when driving in anything smaller then an SUV I am completely convinced that death is around the corner. Have you driven in some of those cheap little rental cars? One word: Cardboard.
But we manage.
The dogs take up the entire back seat, and the trunk is left for our luggage. We make it work.
At home, before we leave I put all of our Cat food and Litter out into my front hall for whoever is going to take care of them, having given various friends keys long along for this sort of thing.
As we pack Dora, our Alpha-Kitty watches us, completely delighted that we won’t be home to stop her antics for a few days. Sometimes I think they’d all be happier if we never came home at all.
I clean as much as I can. Which isn’t much. I throw the trash out, sweep, straighten what I can. But I often joke with people when they come over.
“Come on in, excuse my mess of a life,”
It’s only a half-joke though, because more often then not my life is in some sort of shambles. Besides, with the life I live, it takes hours just to make my house presentable when guests come over. Never mind “clean”.
We throw our luggage in the trunk of the small, white rental car, and the girls hop in. Teah, dutiful as always, pushes her way into the drivers seat, it’s where she belongs.
Driving around the block, we stop at home one last time to pick up whatever we left this time. (Coats, keys, cell phones chargers) and then we’re off.
On the road I call various friends and tell them I need to get out of town for awhile and can they watch the cats?
It’s not a lie.
There are some places that you need to get out of. You get out or you self destruct.
They agree. It’s not much work anyway.
And then we’re gone. For however long that may be. Going wherever the heck we want.
This time, the plan is Virginia for various reasons. My time limit is August 10th. Because I have concert tickets that I’m insanely excited for.
So there’s thirteen days to learn, see, meet and heal.
Thank god,
I’m on the road again.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Dear, I, you, me.
Dear person from my past,
I
Love/Hate/Won't care either way about/Get nostalgic over/Accept/Hope to torment/Forgive/Fear/Will eventually destroy/Wonder about/Reject/Care about/Don’t care about/Feel indifferent towards/Hope they hurt/Feel disgust towards/Wait until they’ll betray/Hope something eats
You.
Love,
Me.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
...
There comes a time in many a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, where you find the end. The two of you are done. Whatever bond brought you together has been severed. Your mutual interest's have declined. Whatever.
It's at this time where it's best to say "Well, thats about it, you know it and I know it, lets stop trying," You make the break quick and painless, after all it was coming anyway.
Or, you keep pretending. Pretend everything's fine and dandy. Pretend you're still the best of friends. You draw it out, even though you know in the end it'll hurt more. It'll be harder, feelings will be hurt. You don't talk about it, you hold your breath and you wait, even though you know what you're doing is self destructive.
Nope, just keep your mouth shut. "Listen, we're over, we're so, so over," would just hurt too much to say. So hang around a few more months until the whole thing ends in a blow up. Don't be the mature one and say something. Just stay quiet.
You know the end is inevitable. You know it's right around the corner, but you can't help hanging on, no matter how much more it hurts in the end.
Obviously the first option is much safer, healthy, and probably more sane.
So, knowing all this, I ask myself
Why can't I say anything?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Here it goes again.
So, lets talk about what I’ve done in the last several weeks.
As I’m sure you can tell by my last two posts, I’ve been a bit loopy. Correction: I *was* a bit loopy. I had a terrible lung infection, pneumonia and asthma. I was on several types of medication including one *very* nasty steroid that totally kicked my ass.
I’m healthy now, although I’m still on a few of the meds. I had an allergic reaction to one of the original prescriptions that caused terrible tremors, which was absolutely no fun.
Another caused me to not sleep, and I do mean not sleep. I spent two weeks awake with several half hour naps around 4:30 every few mornings. I spent a full two weeks staying up all night watching Animal Planet. Why I didn’t change the channel is totally beyond me, but one of the side effects from the steroid was extreme paranoia and psychotic fits and issues. Wheee~! That was just a BUNDLE of fun.
For those of you who don’t know, lots of people die on animal planet.
....lots and lots of people...
Alright, so I got better, which is great.
I ended up going to Anime Boston this year with my dear friend Briannah L. Note: Brianna with an “h”.
I had a ton of fun with my little group and met a ton of wonderful, beautiful people. The cosplayers really stepped up this year.
I spent a good two hours of my weekend fighting with people in a hotel room across the road, and when our group finally went over there Security was kicking the guys out. That was fun.
So we spent the rest of the afternoon terrorizing people in elevators. xD We’ve got a club name and everything.
Briannah was also finally able to give me my birthday gifts from last November.
Briannah is the best person on the planet.
She got me William Beckett, a bag of chocolate, a coloring book, fishnet gloves and a pack of crayons. Definitely one of the best birthday gifts I have or ever will receive.
If any of you have stuck with me through a full year of my blogging, you’ll know that Anime Boston is what started my blog. Actually, emo-looking boys AT anime boston started my blog.
And yes, there is a new 2010 emo-looking boy and a terribly embarrassing story to go with him.
But I’ll cover that later.
So it's been a year, one full year. Lots of stuff has happened, not all of it good.
But I've realized that's life, and you don't have any choice but to go with it and accept it.
I ran into a few people I've been holding a deep hatred for a few weeks back, and I realized I didn't hate them anymore. I was totally indifferent towards them. I guess indifference really is the opposite of love. I know a few of you read this blog, and thats okay too. I don't hate you anymore. You can go on hating me and spreading rumors for as long as you'd like. I'm done defending myself, and I'm done with that game.
I'm in an incredibly appreciative mood this week. I'm coming out of a particularly nasty bout of depression, and I've just started to get my bearings back.
Yeah, my years sucked. I've fought and lost and tried and failed more times then I can count. But I've got a wonderful mother who would pretty much do anything for me, I have two of the best dogs in the entire world, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and I have the brains to appreciate all of them.
So here's to another year.
As I’m sure you can tell by my last two posts, I’ve been a bit loopy. Correction: I *was* a bit loopy. I had a terrible lung infection, pneumonia and asthma. I was on several types of medication including one *very* nasty steroid that totally kicked my ass.
I’m healthy now, although I’m still on a few of the meds. I had an allergic reaction to one of the original prescriptions that caused terrible tremors, which was absolutely no fun.
Another caused me to not sleep, and I do mean not sleep. I spent two weeks awake with several half hour naps around 4:30 every few mornings. I spent a full two weeks staying up all night watching Animal Planet. Why I didn’t change the channel is totally beyond me, but one of the side effects from the steroid was extreme paranoia and psychotic fits and issues. Wheee~! That was just a BUNDLE of fun.
For those of you who don’t know, lots of people die on animal planet.
....lots and lots of people...
Alright, so I got better, which is great.
I ended up going to Anime Boston this year with my dear friend Briannah L. Note: Brianna with an “h”.
I had a ton of fun with my little group and met a ton of wonderful, beautiful people. The cosplayers really stepped up this year.
I spent a good two hours of my weekend fighting with people in a hotel room across the road, and when our group finally went over there Security was kicking the guys out. That was fun.
So we spent the rest of the afternoon terrorizing people in elevators. xD We’ve got a club name and everything.
Briannah was also finally able to give me my birthday gifts from last November.
Briannah is the best person on the planet.
She got me William Beckett, a bag of chocolate, a coloring book, fishnet gloves and a pack of crayons. Definitely one of the best birthday gifts I have or ever will receive.
If any of you have stuck with me through a full year of my blogging, you’ll know that Anime Boston is what started my blog. Actually, emo-looking boys AT anime boston started my blog.
And yes, there is a new 2010 emo-looking boy and a terribly embarrassing story to go with him.
But I’ll cover that later.
So it's been a year, one full year. Lots of stuff has happened, not all of it good.
But I've realized that's life, and you don't have any choice but to go with it and accept it.
I ran into a few people I've been holding a deep hatred for a few weeks back, and I realized I didn't hate them anymore. I was totally indifferent towards them. I guess indifference really is the opposite of love. I know a few of you read this blog, and thats okay too. I don't hate you anymore. You can go on hating me and spreading rumors for as long as you'd like. I'm done defending myself, and I'm done with that game.
I'm in an incredibly appreciative mood this week. I'm coming out of a particularly nasty bout of depression, and I've just started to get my bearings back.
Yeah, my years sucked. I've fought and lost and tried and failed more times then I can count. But I've got a wonderful mother who would pretty much do anything for me, I have two of the best dogs in the entire world, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and I have the brains to appreciate all of them.
So here's to another year.
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