Lonely?

On the road again

I travel.

It’s what I do. I don’t settle in well, so living for the same place for the last eleven years can feel incredibly claustrophobic. Over the last year or so, I haven’t been able to go anywhere other then small day trips that never seem to last as long as I want them too.

Taking care of the family is a constant priority. One that’s made me stick in the same place for much longer then I would have liked.

Anyway, my mother is the same way. If she had it her way she’d be living out of an RV somewhere traveling every other day.

So there comes a point, be it after a poetically heartbreaking experience (yes, poetically), or just a week of monotonous work, one of us will look at the other and say

“Hey, Lets get out of here,” and so we do.

The day before a road trip is always the busiest. It’s also the day the dogs enjoy the most. Seeing as we never have much time planning our trips, we don’t run out of food stuffs. So the dogs get everything.

Today it was about seven pounds of various meats, left over mashed potato’s, an egg, and a pound of egg salad. It may sound like a waste, but we’ve found it’s much better then leaving it and taking a chance of it going bad, or taking it with us and wasting it on the road.

Teah’s our dainty little lab who thinks she’s a socialite. She’s loud and bossy and has enough attitude for four or five dogs her size. But she’s great on long trips and very much enjoys the hotel life.

Uma, my sixty pound German Shepherd, who’s trained to take down a six-foot-three body builder is always a welcome travel companion.

Packing light is essential. Although, my mother hasn’t quite gotten it down yet. I can live out of a backpack, with my laptop, DSI, various note and sketchbooks. She...can live out of a suitcase...with a briefcase for her electronics.

We usually rent a car for these excursions, simply to save wear and tear on our older Jeep. There’s also something about getting into a completely detailed fresh smelling car that adds to the overall adventure.

Then again, you can never rent an SUV at an affordable price. So we’re stuck in tiny, cramped cars. It doesn’t help that, when driving in anything smaller then an SUV I am completely convinced that death is around the corner. Have you driven in some of those cheap little rental cars? One word: Cardboard.

But we manage.

The dogs take up the entire back seat, and the trunk is left for our luggage. We make it work.

At home, before we leave I put all of our Cat food and Litter out into my front hall for whoever is going to take care of them, having given various friends keys long along for this sort of thing.

As we pack Dora, our Alpha-Kitty watches us, completely delighted that we won’t be home to stop her antics for a few days. Sometimes I think they’d all be happier if we never came home at all.

I clean as much as I can. Which isn’t much. I throw the trash out, sweep, straighten what I can. But I often joke with people when they come over.

“Come on in, excuse my mess of a life,”

It’s only a half-joke though, because more often then not my life is in some sort of shambles. Besides, with the life I live, it takes hours just to make my house presentable when guests come over. Never mind “clean”.

We throw our luggage in the trunk of the small, white rental car, and the girls hop in. Teah, dutiful as always, pushes her way into the drivers seat, it’s where she belongs.

Driving around the block, we stop at home one last time to pick up whatever we left this time. (Coats, keys, cell phones chargers) and then we’re off.

On the road I call various friends and tell them I need to get out of town for awhile and can they watch the cats?

It’s not a lie.

There are some places that you need to get out of. You get out or you self destruct.

They agree. It’s not much work anyway.

And then we’re gone. For however long that may be. Going wherever the heck we want.

This time, the plan is Virginia for various reasons. My time limit is August 10th. Because I have concert tickets that I’m insanely excited for.

So there’s thirteen days to learn, see, meet and heal.

Thank god,

I’m on the road again.

Dear, I, you, me.

Dear person from my past,

I

Love/Hate/Won't care either way about/Get nostalgic over/Accept/Hope to torment/Forgive/Fear/Will eventually destroy/Wonder about/Reject/Care about/Don’t care about/Feel indifferent towards/Hope they hurt/Feel disgust towards/Wait until they’ll betray/Hope something eats

You.

Love,

Me.

...

There comes a time in many a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, where you find the end. The two of you are done. Whatever bond brought you together has been severed. Your mutual interest's have declined. Whatever.

It's at this time where it's best to say "Well, thats about it, you know it and I know it, lets stop trying," You make the break quick and painless, after all it was coming anyway.

Or, you keep pretending. Pretend everything's fine and dandy. Pretend you're still the best of friends. You draw it out, even though you know in the end it'll hurt more. It'll be harder, feelings will be hurt. You don't talk about it, you hold your breath and you wait, even though you know what you're doing is self destructive.

Nope, just keep your mouth shut. "Listen, we're over, we're so, so over," would just hurt too much to say. So hang around a few more months until the whole thing ends in a blow up. Don't be the mature one and say something. Just stay quiet.

You know the end is inevitable. You know it's right around the corner, but you can't help hanging on, no matter how much more it hurts in the end.

Obviously the first option is much safer, healthy, and probably more sane.

So, knowing all this, I ask myself

Why can't I say anything?

Secret:

I spill my heart everywhere I go, and fall in love with almost everyone I know.

Here it goes again.

So, lets talk about what I’ve done in the last several weeks.
As I’m sure you can tell by my last two posts, I’ve been a bit loopy. Correction: I *was* a bit loopy. I had a terrible lung infection, pneumonia and asthma. I was on several types of medication including one *very* nasty steroid that totally kicked my ass.

I’m healthy now, although I’m still on a few of the meds. I had an allergic reaction to one of the original prescriptions that caused terrible tremors, which was absolutely no fun.

Another caused me to not sleep, and I do mean not sleep. I spent two weeks awake with several half hour naps around 4:30 every few mornings. I spent a full two weeks staying up all night watching Animal Planet. Why I didn’t change the channel is totally beyond me, but one of the side effects from the steroid was extreme paranoia and psychotic fits and issues. Wheee~! That was just a BUNDLE of fun.

For those of you who don’t know, lots of people die on animal planet.

....lots and lots of people...

Alright, so I got better, which is great.

I ended up going to Anime Boston this year with my dear friend Briannah L. Note: Brianna with an “h”.

I had a ton of fun with my little group and met a ton of wonderful, beautiful people. The cosplayers really stepped up this year.

I spent a good two hours of my weekend fighting with people in a hotel room across the road, and when our group finally went over there Security was kicking the guys out. That was fun.

So we spent the rest of the afternoon terrorizing people in elevators. xD We’ve got a club name and everything.

Briannah was also finally able to give me my birthday gifts from last November.

Briannah is the best person on the planet.

She got me William Beckett, a bag of chocolate, a coloring book, fishnet gloves and a pack of crayons. Definitely one of the best birthday gifts I have or ever will receive.

If any of you have stuck with me through a full year of my blogging, you’ll know that Anime Boston is what started my blog. Actually, emo-looking boys AT anime boston started my blog.

And yes, there is a new 2010 emo-looking boy and a terribly embarrassing story to go with him.
But I’ll cover that later.

So it's been a year, one full year. Lots of stuff has happened, not all of it good.

But I've realized that's life, and you don't have any choice but to go with it and accept it.

I ran into a few people I've been holding a deep hatred for a few weeks back, and I realized I didn't hate them anymore. I was totally indifferent towards them. I guess indifference really is the opposite of love. I know a few of you read this blog, and thats okay too. I don't hate you anymore. You can go on hating me and spreading rumors for as long as you'd like. I'm done defending myself, and I'm done with that game.

I'm in an incredibly appreciative mood this week. I'm coming out of a particularly nasty bout of depression, and I've just started to get my bearings back.

Yeah, my years sucked. I've fought and lost and tried and failed more times then I can count. But I've got a wonderful mother who would pretty much do anything for me, I have two of the best dogs in the entire world, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and I have the brains to appreciate all of them.

So here's to another year.

Irrational fear #1

Meeting your girlfriend.
I know it sounds stupid, but just hear me out.

I'm not even sure if I should categorize this as a *fear* maybe It’s just a task I really *really* dislike.

This is most likely because all of these meetings I’ve had previously have gone something like this:

Male friend: Alright guys, This is Alexandra, I told all of you about her...
*everyone nods*
*Alexandra smiles politely*
Male friend: Well, There’s Leo, I’ll be right back. Be nice girls!
*Awkward silence*
Alexandra: I just want all of you to know that if any of you touch him I’ll cut you.

If only I was kidding...

Seriously though, I always find myself sitting across the table from this new girl who’s telling me a story I really don’t care about while I smile and nod. Because in this awkward situation, smiling and nodding always works for me!

Either that, Or I’m being grilled about past relationships, past hook up’s, past medical history, past past past stuff that I honestly have no clue about. Seriously, if you want information on your new boyfriend, DO NOT ASK ME.

I go through life pretending not to know things, JUST so people like you won’t ask me.

The other problem is probably caused by all the horrible things, you, dear imaginary boy, have told me. I can't help that you telling me all your relationship woes and hates makes me biased against this shiny, pretty new girl. It's all your fault. If you don't like it don't talk to me about it.

It isn't my fault I can't separate things you said while pissed off into truth or reality. It's how I'm wired. Remember, I've never met this person, so if you tell me shes a whore one day, I promise to believe you the next.

And it always seems like these first-conversations always turn into a who-can-insult-who-while-being-nice-about-it contest, these last until every other girl has admitted to currently being in another relationship with someone else.

And this is only with women.

If you have a female friend bring her new boyfriend to meet you, he’s pretty much sitting there wanting nothing at all but approval from his new girlfriends friends, a girl on the other hand turns into this clingy bitchy monster.

And this is why whenever my male friends get girlfriends, I cringe a little on the inside. Because they always come seeking some sort of approval and in the end what can you really say?

Even though after they’ve left and you’ve closed the door, someone inevitably starts the conversation with a breathy

“Wow...”

This is usually quickly followed by:

“What was he thinking?”

And then:

“You know, I think she stole one of my cups...”

Not that we’d ever openly admit this.
You really can’t ever be honest, because no one really wants you to be honest.

So later on when I’m asked

“What did you think?”

I find myself saying “She was great, awesome!”

So I just don't get it. I've always been the nice girlfriend who's (surprise) smiled and nodded and was able to not cling to her date. If anyone can explain this whole phenomenon to me that would be awesome, and don't just tell me I'm too judgmental. I know I'm judgmental.
I started judging you the minute you stepped through that door. I just won't admit it to your face because lets be honest, you are quite larger then me.

Back to the point, it's not to say that some of these girls don’t turn out to be relatively stable, nice people, it’s just those few that have ruined it for me. Kind of like those black Jelly Beans in the bag of all the other good flavors.

You know they aren’t all bad, but you can’t help but judge them for the all the Black Jelly Beans crimes. And this is why Meeting your girlfriend is one of my many irrational fears.