...

There comes a time in many a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, where you find the end. The two of you are done. Whatever bond brought you together has been severed. Your mutual interest's have declined. Whatever.

It's at this time where it's best to say "Well, thats about it, you know it and I know it, lets stop trying," You make the break quick and painless, after all it was coming anyway.

Or, you keep pretending. Pretend everything's fine and dandy. Pretend you're still the best of friends. You draw it out, even though you know in the end it'll hurt more. It'll be harder, feelings will be hurt. You don't talk about it, you hold your breath and you wait, even though you know what you're doing is self destructive.

Nope, just keep your mouth shut. "Listen, we're over, we're so, so over," would just hurt too much to say. So hang around a few more months until the whole thing ends in a blow up. Don't be the mature one and say something. Just stay quiet.

You know the end is inevitable. You know it's right around the corner, but you can't help hanging on, no matter how much more it hurts in the end.

Obviously the first option is much safer, healthy, and probably more sane.

So, knowing all this, I ask myself

Why can't I say anything?

Secret:

I spill my heart everywhere I go, and fall in love with almost everyone I know.

Here it goes again.

So, lets talk about what I’ve done in the last several weeks.
As I’m sure you can tell by my last two posts, I’ve been a bit loopy. Correction: I *was* a bit loopy. I had a terrible lung infection, pneumonia and asthma. I was on several types of medication including one *very* nasty steroid that totally kicked my ass.

I’m healthy now, although I’m still on a few of the meds. I had an allergic reaction to one of the original prescriptions that caused terrible tremors, which was absolutely no fun.

Another caused me to not sleep, and I do mean not sleep. I spent two weeks awake with several half hour naps around 4:30 every few mornings. I spent a full two weeks staying up all night watching Animal Planet. Why I didn’t change the channel is totally beyond me, but one of the side effects from the steroid was extreme paranoia and psychotic fits and issues. Wheee~! That was just a BUNDLE of fun.

For those of you who don’t know, lots of people die on animal planet.

....lots and lots of people...

Alright, so I got better, which is great.

I ended up going to Anime Boston this year with my dear friend Briannah L. Note: Brianna with an “h”.

I had a ton of fun with my little group and met a ton of wonderful, beautiful people. The cosplayers really stepped up this year.

I spent a good two hours of my weekend fighting with people in a hotel room across the road, and when our group finally went over there Security was kicking the guys out. That was fun.

So we spent the rest of the afternoon terrorizing people in elevators. xD We’ve got a club name and everything.

Briannah was also finally able to give me my birthday gifts from last November.

Briannah is the best person on the planet.

She got me William Beckett, a bag of chocolate, a coloring book, fishnet gloves and a pack of crayons. Definitely one of the best birthday gifts I have or ever will receive.

If any of you have stuck with me through a full year of my blogging, you’ll know that Anime Boston is what started my blog. Actually, emo-looking boys AT anime boston started my blog.

And yes, there is a new 2010 emo-looking boy and a terribly embarrassing story to go with him.
But I’ll cover that later.

So it's been a year, one full year. Lots of stuff has happened, not all of it good.

But I've realized that's life, and you don't have any choice but to go with it and accept it.

I ran into a few people I've been holding a deep hatred for a few weeks back, and I realized I didn't hate them anymore. I was totally indifferent towards them. I guess indifference really is the opposite of love. I know a few of you read this blog, and thats okay too. I don't hate you anymore. You can go on hating me and spreading rumors for as long as you'd like. I'm done defending myself, and I'm done with that game.

I'm in an incredibly appreciative mood this week. I'm coming out of a particularly nasty bout of depression, and I've just started to get my bearings back.

Yeah, my years sucked. I've fought and lost and tried and failed more times then I can count. But I've got a wonderful mother who would pretty much do anything for me, I have two of the best dogs in the entire world, I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and I have the brains to appreciate all of them.

So here's to another year.

Irrational fear #1

Meeting your girlfriend.
I know it sounds stupid, but just hear me out.

I'm not even sure if I should categorize this as a *fear* maybe It’s just a task I really *really* dislike.

This is most likely because all of these meetings I’ve had previously have gone something like this:

Male friend: Alright guys, This is Alexandra, I told all of you about her...
*everyone nods*
*Alexandra smiles politely*
Male friend: Well, There’s Leo, I’ll be right back. Be nice girls!
*Awkward silence*
Alexandra: I just want all of you to know that if any of you touch him I’ll cut you.

If only I was kidding...

Seriously though, I always find myself sitting across the table from this new girl who’s telling me a story I really don’t care about while I smile and nod. Because in this awkward situation, smiling and nodding always works for me!

Either that, Or I’m being grilled about past relationships, past hook up’s, past medical history, past past past stuff that I honestly have no clue about. Seriously, if you want information on your new boyfriend, DO NOT ASK ME.

I go through life pretending not to know things, JUST so people like you won’t ask me.

The other problem is probably caused by all the horrible things, you, dear imaginary boy, have told me. I can't help that you telling me all your relationship woes and hates makes me biased against this shiny, pretty new girl. It's all your fault. If you don't like it don't talk to me about it.

It isn't my fault I can't separate things you said while pissed off into truth or reality. It's how I'm wired. Remember, I've never met this person, so if you tell me shes a whore one day, I promise to believe you the next.

And it always seems like these first-conversations always turn into a who-can-insult-who-while-being-nice-about-it contest, these last until every other girl has admitted to currently being in another relationship with someone else.

And this is only with women.

If you have a female friend bring her new boyfriend to meet you, he’s pretty much sitting there wanting nothing at all but approval from his new girlfriends friends, a girl on the other hand turns into this clingy bitchy monster.

And this is why whenever my male friends get girlfriends, I cringe a little on the inside. Because they always come seeking some sort of approval and in the end what can you really say?

Even though after they’ve left and you’ve closed the door, someone inevitably starts the conversation with a breathy

“Wow...”

This is usually quickly followed by:

“What was he thinking?”

And then:

“You know, I think she stole one of my cups...”

Not that we’d ever openly admit this.
You really can’t ever be honest, because no one really wants you to be honest.

So later on when I’m asked

“What did you think?”

I find myself saying “She was great, awesome!”

So I just don't get it. I've always been the nice girlfriend who's (surprise) smiled and nodded and was able to not cling to her date. If anyone can explain this whole phenomenon to me that would be awesome, and don't just tell me I'm too judgmental. I know I'm judgmental.
I started judging you the minute you stepped through that door. I just won't admit it to your face because lets be honest, you are quite larger then me.

Back to the point, it's not to say that some of these girls don’t turn out to be relatively stable, nice people, it’s just those few that have ruined it for me. Kind of like those black Jelly Beans in the bag of all the other good flavors.

You know they aren’t all bad, but you can’t help but judge them for the all the Black Jelly Beans crimes. And this is why Meeting your girlfriend is one of my many irrational fears.

Food for thought

I'd like to start this blog by saying that I love food.

and not in the normal "I eat this stuff to survive It's pretty cool shit" type of love either.

I *really* love food, honestly, the thought of not following a stranger with food was just totally foreign to me...
I can get distracted by a bar of chocolate.

In fact, the only reason I go on 2-3 miles jogs and lift weights and do yoga is so I can eat more food and not gain weight.

If I could, I would always be snacking.

But one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone comments on what I'm eating.

People around me always seemed surprised that I actually eat.
I will usually get a comment like this:

"You eat pizza? How can you possibly eat pizza? Look at you!"

What I always fail to mention to these people is that this is probably my 4th piece of pizza and I ate a bag of Jelly beans on the car ride over.

Now, I don't go into how I stay thin, because in the past this has gotten me into quite some trouble when my work out plan hasn't worked for others.

What I always find odd however, is that these people who supposedly know me think I'm some strange Alien life form that feeds on souls and lettuce.

I mean what do you people think I do? Eat this stuff and then just magically not take on the calories?

This train of thought has also gotten me into some trouble in the past when someone spread a nasty rumor that I had an eating disorder.

Note: I'm not having children ever because of the whole throwing-up business, there is no possible way I would ever have an eating disorder.

And so I'm stuck in this awkward predicament where I'm having lunch or something with friends, and as women, we seem to have this sickness where we have to comment on whatever the people we are dining with are eating.

"I honestly couldn't eat that, that would go straight to my hips!"
Or
"I thought you were on a diet,"

And someone always manages to leave me feeling guilty as I nod awkwardly and look around for the check.

And what I really feel like saying in this situation is something like this:
"I'm thin because I work out! I'm thin because I work out A LOT, I'm sorry you arent as motivated as me to stay healthy and you play World Of Warcraft in your basement every night, maybe THAT'S why you're packing on the pounds, because you sit there eating donuts everynight,"

I think this is one of the reasons I prefer male friends over females, because the only time a guy will ever care about how much the girl next to him is eating is if he's paying for it.

My question is, What is this sickness that girls seem to have with food? Why are we constantly making excuses or comments for how much or how we eat?

Why is it I hear "Well I ate a pint of ice cream last night, But only because Craig broke up with me and finals are coming and I don't usually do it...but...but....but,"?

Why can't we just leave it at, "Oh yeah, I went through a whole pint,"?

Apparently eating has become another thing we all should be self conscious about.

The media tells me so

So it has to be true.

Busy/Dogs/Zombies/Dreams/Kenny

So the reason my blogging has slowed down so much is that my brand new MacBook Pro died, and it’s costing $750.00 to fix it.

It’s been waiting all healthy and clean at the Apple store for about 3 weeks now. I’ve been insanely ill for the last few weeks and I’ve had no healthy days where I would have been able to go pick it up.

Another reason is that I’ve been getting so much inspiration for the three novels I’m working on. I’ve been spending a good four hours a day writing.

And my last reason, is that I’ve started Sport and Protection training with my dog, Uma again. I've been working with her by myself for a while, but I really wanted a more experienced trainer to help take her to the next level. So after my week long course down in Florida with her and a world champion, I finally found a trainer I trust to work with her.

Here's a nice little picture of our bite work:


Anyway, in my rushed/drugged/tired state, I’ve been experiencing some very, very strange dreams.

One type of dream I’ve had has been coming to me for years. They always center around these two people, who are always the same. The dreams are different, and set in different time periods, but it’s like watching this set of peoples life story. I’ve recently started writing about the two, and believe me, these two are pushy characters.

But my really odd dreams have just started recently.

They are very lucid dreams, all revolving around the Zombie invasion.
Yes, that’s right.

Zombies.

The Undead.

They eat you.

Think Dawn Of The Dead.

Now, that’s not even the really strange part, what with me watching every zombie movie known to man.

The strange part, is the things I’m doing in these dreams. Last night, I was with a group of other survivors, and we stopped all epic like with guns drawn and shit at a CVS.

Because if you’re going to loot, why not loot a CVS?

Anyway, the odd thing is what everyone was looting. Why the heck I’m the only one smart enough to steal drugs is beyond me, but I remember thinking “Why is everyone stealing holiday chocolate?” I mean, chocolate? Really?

And then there are the cut scenes.

Oh yeah, I dream with freaking cut scenes.

Every time a zombie would show up, everyone would turn into a cute little chibi anime character with big eyes and adorable faces.

So, I guess my real question after all of this ranting is:

If you were looting a CVS, what exactly would you steal?

Another note on Zombie movies:
Am I the only one who's noticed that in these movies, there's always that person Kenny or whatever that gets bitten, and then there's this other person who's all
"NO! WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!"?

And am I the only one who, in this situation would just be
"They're busy with him! Keep running!"

You can't save Kenny people.

I guess my morals are just really odd, because you know how in horror movies, there's always that person you know is going to survive, and then there's that other person who's just tagging along?

Then the hero character says something like:

"Don't worry, we'll get out of this, I won't let you die!"

Now see, if I was ever in this situation, I think it would go down more like this:

"Listen dude, you're really slowing me down, you can't keep following me,"
"What?"
"Go find another place to hide because you're slowing me down and I'm not going to die because of you,"
"But Brianna, we've been best friends for years-"
"Yeah I know, Good times. Now be my best friend and distract the bad guy while I get away, Kthxbye"

Which do you think is a more accurate description of what would happen in real life?

Am I just a bad person? Would you go all out guns a blazing to save that annoying tag-along Kenny?

Because really, there's always that tag along who fucks everything up later on, he gets bitten or becomes a hostage or runs too slow or does something stupid like open the door... Maybe we should just take out Kenny ourselves.

Also, does anyone else actually think about these things day-to-day? Because I always have a mental list of who Kenny would be and who would actually have a chance to survive.

It's not that I don't love my friends, but really, you just can't save Kenny...

So with these dreams comes crushing fear. Because a Zombie invasion is so, so, something that could happen any day now. I never said I was rational.

Anyway, this fear was so bad that two mornings ago I wouldn't get out of bed until my mother came to get me.

Because yes, I'm one of those people who lives by the rule that nothing can get you if you're hiding under the bedsheets.

Honestly, how could a zombie or a serial killer ever attack you if you're under your reinforced anti-bad guy bedsheets?

If you don't see them they can't see you...or something like that.

Maybe I *am* the only one who thinks this way.
Don't think like me.
I'm not all here.

I'm a romantic.

I’m one of the only friends I have not in a relationship, and I’ve realized over the last few months that I’ve truly missed out on something. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated several people off and on but I’ve never had a relationship.

Everyone’s in love, and they have someone that’s in love with them too. I’m not saying these relationships don’t have pitfalls or fights, because they do. But that doesn’t change the fact that these people are in love.

I don’t want to go into the debate on whether or not teenagers can indeed and in fact be in love, because from my point of view that doesn’t even matter. The point is, they think they’re in love and in the end that’s all that counts.

My age group has the prime falling in love years, and I feel bad that I’ve miss out. Not that I’ve missed out on *loving* people, because I have. I just haven’t found anyone that’s shared the affection.

High school and summer romances always got me.

I just feel like I’ve missed something special, something I'd really rather have not missed.

I guess in the end I’m just a lonely romantic, pining for things that weren’t meant to be.

But I wonder if these childhood romances, (no matter how fleeting) help shape our futures.

These relationships which, although we may not think so, are so simple compared to those of our parents who have gone through death, life, mortgages and children together. Maybe the thought that a relationship can be as simple as it was when you were in high school keeps you going, keeps you working on it.

I guess I’ll never know.

<3

Brianna